Today is a difficult day for me, I feel guilty and confused about how I am feeling. I know I should be happy and a part of me is but a part of me feels numb. That’s the best way I can describe it. I tend to go to that “if you don’t think about it it’s not really happening” place in my mind.
So we heard the clinic will complete an ultrasound in 5 days and my daughter will begin her meds on day 6. While I am excited for this chapter to finally start for her I must admit I am so scared !!
She has seen multiple doctors, repeated tests each time someone new reviewed her history, and now this clinic has agreed to take her case. She has an opportunity to try to have a child of her own. What scares me is my child has health issues, this process will not come without risks for her. Any pregnancy would be considered high risk regardless of how the child is conceived.
The thought of her being pregnant has terrified both her father and I. When they began to have infertility issues we wondered was God trying to ensure her safety? Would she trust and believe that he had a plan?
This is where the guilt comes in. I want her to feel the joy of being a mom, I know she will be wonderful and any child will be blessed to call her mom. But does she need to take the risk? Can she love another’s child? Can she allow someone else to carry her child? Will she let me carry her child??? I promise to eat healthy, exercise, and lay down next to her each night with my belly pressed into her back so she can fall asleep feeling her child moving. I will stay until she falls asleep only returning to my house when she does.
Guilt because I know she isn’t entertaining any of these things but I wish she would. I know in my heart she needs to do this and my heart wants it for her. It’s my mind that can’t seem to get it together. I feel like a terrible person for even allowing myself to think about this.
I know we are at the beginning of this journey but it seems every step is one that causes another layer of worry.
She is finally stable and healthy beginning the meds may throw off the delicate balance that took so long to achieve.
I smile and squeeze her hand when she tells me this good news. I will be with her through this process. Behind my eyes is fear so I’m doing my best to see this through her eyes so I can be what she needs me to be…. But it isn’t easy.