I watch my daughter sleep and remember her as a child. She was always very loving, wanted my undivided attention and a little bossy. She would tell her younger siblings what to do and her brother did, until he was about 10; it was around that time the two didn’t seem as close. She is only 18 months older than him but she truly believed in birth order and hierarchy. Her sister was a little older, probably closer to 16 when she stopped “doing as told” but she is 4 years younger and this played a part. It was not unusual for me to have the “I’m the mother and your the child” talk weekly. She needed to be in control.
Did she know that her future would be filled with so many things out of her control? Was she learning how to over analyze and cautiously make decisions because so many were going to be made for her? Somehow I believe she knew.
As a teenager she became seriously ill and spent 10 years in and out of hospitals, seeing many doctors and struggling to find her place in society. High school, college, and finding a job were very difficult for her. She lost the ability to control almost every aspect of her life.
Each time her health plummeted the entire family would mourn the loss of security, happiness, and freedom that good health affords.
It was at this time I noticed her and her siblings were close again, her brother became her protector and carried the weight of her illness on his shoulders because he felt he needed to. There were periods of wellness and he happily gave her back her power.
He no longer fought her bossiness he embraced it, it meant she was well … she was back.
Dealing with infertility and the inability to conceive without assistance of IVF is deja vu.
There is the loss of control again, she can’t control this journey… and neither can we.