Speaking without words

I feel like I may have been hiding the last few weeks since 4 couples have shared their pregnancy news with my daughter.

I celebrate the gift of life always – God has created it and I believe we should always be thankful, so I am happy for these young couples. But I can’t lie and say the news didn’t tug at my heart.

Each time someone shares the news that they are expecting, I see the sadness in her eyes, I hear the raw emotion in her words.

I know a little piece of her is taken every time she hears a friend, cousin, or in law is pregnant.
When the news is shared it’s the same scenario

I hear her say the same words, literally the same words, it’s as if she prepared a speech to appear she is ok, knowing it is killing her soul.

Each time it is spoken I feel like less of her is there.

I always try to remain strong and supportive, listen and cry once she has gone.
The recent news … it’s her sibling who is expecting in the spring.
“It was so unexpected ” “we weren’t even trying”. While these words were not meant to hurt her of course they did.

Emotions are flooding in as this is so close to home, this isn’t someone she can avoid, nor does she want to.

She just wants to be there too!!

I reach for her hand and perhaps squeeze a little too long with a little more force than I mean to, I look away to hide my tears.
I continue to hold her hand in mine and finally turn toward her knowing she will see my face wet with tears and my eyes ready to unleash another stream onto my cheeks.

I’m feeling so conflicted because I want to remain strong but my heart is breaking for my child.

I begin to cry and I don’t try to stop the outpouring of emotion as I realize I am losing a part of myself every time I try to feign strength… I am hurting too. We sit like this in silence. Somehow words are not needed.
I know God’s hand is directing these events and I am not in control.

I know He has a plan that I may or may not like but I need to accept.

It’s in this moment that I feel like I got a piece of myself back and I pray she begins to heal and rebuild herself.

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Knowing that we will have a second grandchild is over shadowed at this moment.

I feel terrible that I’m not fully embracing this news but I also know time will allow me to.

A mother is only as happy as her saddest child and this is where I am right now.

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2 thoughts on “Speaking without words”

  1. I love the compassion you have for your daughter. I hope you can also embrace the positive feelings of having another grandchild on the way. Infertility affects the whole family, doesn’t it?

    Like

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