What makes me happy makes me sad.

I enjoy the time I spend with my children, in fact Sunday is my favorite day of the week. Not because it is the weekend and I’m off; because my children come home for dinner. I usually make pasta or one of their favorites, but the menu doesn’t really matter it’s the time we spend together. Most weeks the conversation and laughter lasts through out dinner and spills into the family room. The television is on in the background providing “white noise” but no one is watching it. My grand baby easily steals the show whether it’s with a smile, the sweet sound of her baby laugh, or the 3 or 4 wobbly steps that seem to surprise her as much as they do us.
I am a lucky lucky women.
As I head into bed after they have gone I am content and happy… but not this week.

I’m thinking of the conversation I had with my daughter earlier in the week when we met for lunch.

As I mentioned in previous blogs she is battling infertility and had a failed IVF cycle a few months back.
Our conversations can be frivolous, silly, and lighthearted but at some point the topic of infertility will come up.

On this particular day she shared that she hasn’t kept the doctors appointments that are leading up to January’s IVF cycle. 

To say I was surprised/shocked would be an understatement. 

This is the women who fought the insurance company, went from clinic to clinic until someone agreed to take her case. Follows every adage on diet, sleep, vitamins, etc. conducive for successful pregnancy/IVF. 

She has converted all things organic; make up, household cleaners, foods.
I know my face betrayed how I was feeling but I sat in silence waiting for her to explain.

 She dropped that bombshell and now was sitting there eating her salad like she merely mentioned the weather.

I sat there moving the olives around in my salad trying to decide… do I ask questions? Or just listen? 

I looked into her eyes hoping they revealed the answer and then thank God she began to explain. 
She is not emotionally ready to try again. The sadness and disappointment from the failed cycle has scarred her.

Although she knew the odds she didn’t emotionally prepare for how she would “feel” if it wasn’t successful. 

Many people jump right back in and she said she would if it was unsuccessful … but she can’t … not yet.
I didn’t know how to respond because I was truly surprised. I knew the whole process was difficult for her and her husband. What surprised me was her decision or lack of decision to try again. This is so out of character for my daughter and I needed time to process. She has struggled since she was 14 with health issues that have changed the course of her life. She has battled to live a “normal” life despite judgement and scrutiny of others. She is a fighter and does it with such grace and determination. She is inspiring without knowing. This new approach is unfamiliar to me. 
I realize she’s not giving up, she is healing and needs to do it at her own pace, in her own way. I am disappointed in myself for not knowing how deeply this has been weighing on her heart and her mind. I didn’t know the true magnitude of it. Although she has not said anything … I feel that I have not been supportive enough and I hope she can forgive me.
What has me sad tonight is the very thing that I said makes me happy … I know the joy and happiness that my children have added to my life and I pray she will experience all the wonderful things that motherhood has to offer. As I lay my head down tonight I am realizing for the first time that she may not be blessed with children. I know God has a plan and I trust his journey. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t sadden me.


2 thoughts on “What makes me happy makes me sad.”

  1. I’ve now been through 7 failed treatments including five failed IVFs and a miscarriage, and it has ruined me in so many ways. If I had it all to do over again I’m not sure I would, knowing the leftover of a person I am now. Just hug her a lot. My mother abandoned me when I had my miscarriage, didn’t even show up or pick up the phone. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.


    1. Thank you, hearing from someone who is going through the same thing is helpful.
      I hug her often and tell her everyday that I love her but never know if it’s enough.
      I am so sorry to hear your mom has not been there to support you through this very difficult process.
      I’m sending you hugs and prayers šŸ’—šŸ’—.

      Liked by 1 person

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