My daughter’s recent IVF cycle was unsuccessful. She will begin again in 3 months. It seems life is returning to normal… what their normal has become.
I think it’s important to note before I go on when it comes to my daughter I am her biggest supporter and love her with more than all of my heart. I love her with my soul, with every breath I take, with everything I am.
She commented that people can’t understand what this loss feels like. I thought for a moment and disagreed with her. Of course her initial reaction was anger and disbelief that I would say that.
I tried to explain… Everyone has experienced some life event that has caused pain, sadness, loss, and perhaps a feeling of being alone. No one is exempt from emotional pain. NO ONE. While others may not be dealing with infertility there are people everywhere dealing with grief and loss for many different reasons. Can we pick these individuals out at the grocery store? the mall? in the workplace? probably not. Does that mean their pain is any less real? Have we encountered people in various stages of grief and loss and misjudged them as being grumpy, miserable, quiet ? It would be great if thought bubbles appeared above our heads depicting what we were going thru. But that just isn’t so.
Many times in my life I have been surprised by what another was going through. While their “story” was tragic their journey was inspiring and up lifting. In every instance when I asked the individual how they were able to be so strong, inspiring they responded; it was with the help of God, the grace of God. This answer was familiar to me. I too know God has been there when I experienced the worst days of life. The year my parents died (21 days apart) I never stepped out of bed – God lifted me onto my feet. I know this because the first 30 seconds of each new day was like the movie 50 First Dates. Sadness and despair flooded in as I relived that feeling of “oh no, it’s true, they both are gone”
I would not have participated in life if God hadn’t place me on my feet each day and walked along side me, truth be told many days He carried me.
I tried to enter unchartered waters … her feelings of abandonment from others -family and friends that knew she was going through IVF and didn’t reach out. I want her to soften her heart, have her see it from a different angle, not only for them but for her. I wanted to take some of the load off her shoulders.
Friends and family may seem aloof or uncaring but while we have been so consumed with her journey have we considered what their struggles may be? Maybe the thought bubble above their heads would reveal something we didn’t know, maybe they are going through something that is deeply personal and pain evoking. Have we been so involved with “us” we haven’t been there for them?
I asked her if her journey has caused her to treat others differently? A long pause…Her BFF had her first child, a little girl, 2 months ago and my daughter still has not seen the baby. It is too painful for her… does her bff understand? Has she even told her how difficult it is for her?
I wasn’t trying to make her feel guilty, I wanted her to see that people make decisions based on where they are in their life, the intention is not to hurt others but to protect themselves. I understand why she hasn’t visited the baby. I wanted her to see how easy it is to hurt someone you care about without meaning to. For her to heal she needs to let go of her anger and look into her heart.
Her response was not what I expected… but also not what I hoped for either. I realize the pain is still too great for her to get out of her “thought bubble”.
The pain of infertility has made her like an exposed nerve … the pain is raw and easily elicited. I don’t judge her for this, my answer of course is to pray over it and to be by her side.