Here Comes the Sun

It is her struggle but family never allows you to do it alone.

So my last entry was full of fears and worry over my daughter becoming pregnant and the injections necessary for IVF because she has existing health issues.

She began the nightly injections and every 2 days it’s ultra sounds and blood work.
Every day is promising. She continues to have more follicles and the existing ones are growing and throughout the process she has continued to be ok. No ambulance rides to the ER. How familiar these are to me but it’s always a new sense of fear every time it happens as if I was never through it before.

Going on this journey with her and her husband has so many emotional ups and downs.
Driving home today knowing my potential grand babies are in the works brought me this overwhelming sense of love and acceptance to the process. Seeing my daughter finally let go of a small piece of her anxiety – made my day.
I know she hasn’t let it all go but to know and feel some of it is gone no matter how small, was better than the first sunny day after a long cold winter. It warmed my soul, my body, and my heart. I could feel the warmth spreading throughout my body and I realized I was smiling.
I am here with her through a very difficult time in her life but I am also blessed to be here with her as we are growing her babies my grand babies.
I continue to pray she know the undying love for a child.
I have always said I loved her from the moment the stick turned blue in the bathroom.
It has been a lifetime love affair that I wish everyone has the opportunity to experience.

I’m Guilty…

Today is a difficult day for me, I feel guilty and confused about how I am feeling. I know I should be happy and a part of me is but a part of me feels numb. That’s the best way I can describe it. I tend to go to that “if you don’t think about it it’s not really happening” place in my mind.
So we heard the clinic will complete an ultrasound in 5 days and my daughter will begin her meds on day 6. While I am excited for this chapter to finally start for her I must admit I am so scared !!
She has seen multiple doctors, repeated tests each time someone new reviewed her history, and now this clinic has agreed to take her case. She has an opportunity to try to have a child of her own. What scares me is my child has health issues, this process will not come without risks for her. Any pregnancy would be considered high risk regardless of how the child is conceived.

The thought of her being pregnant has terrified both her father and I. When they began to have infertility issues we wondered was God trying to ensure her safety? Would she trust and believe that he had a plan?
This is where the guilt comes in. I want her to feel the joy of being a mom, I know she will be wonderful and any child will be blessed to call her mom. But does she need to take the risk? Can she love another’s child? Can she allow someone else to carry her child? Will she let me carry her child??? I promise to eat healthy, exercise, and lay down next to her each night with my belly pressed into her back so she can fall asleep feeling her child moving. I will stay until she falls asleep only returning to my house when she does.
Guilt because I know she isn’t entertaining any of these things but I wish she would. I know in my heart she needs to do this and my heart wants it for her. It’s my mind that can’t seem to get it together. I feel like a terrible person for even allowing myself to think about this.

I know we are at the beginning of this journey but it seems every step is one that causes another layer of worry.
She is finally stable and healthy beginning the meds may throw off the delicate balance that took so long to achieve.

I smile and squeeze her hand when she tells me this good news. I will be with her through this process. Behind my eyes is fear so I’m doing my best to see this through her eyes so I can be what she needs me to be…. But it isn’t easy.

Don’t Shame Your Children

I’ve been anxiously waiting … the latest clinic agreed to take my daughter’s case and she is waiting to hear when she’ll start the meds. Last clinic cancelled her 4 days before she was to begin the meds and now I pray it doesn’t happen again. I tell her try not to worry too much, but again feel guilty because anxiety is normal. I try to validate how she is feeling without saying “I know how you feel” because I don’t know how she feels. I only know that I pray every day there are no new surprises, that she remains strong and does not let this define who she is. That her husband learns how to deal with his feelings and can be there for my child. I know that sounds selfish but isn’t that what a spouse should do? His mother feels all this is unnecessary, that they will get pregnant if they are patient, it doesn’t matter there is medical documentation that they cannot conceive without IVF. Her constant whispering in his ear allows him to detach from the situation, to believe what she is saying, and discount the numerous doctors that have told him otherwise. So he isn’t totally vested in this and so my daughter is doing this “alone”. I don’t judge him because I don’t know what he is feeling and he is doing his best to cope with this. I do blame his mother, I spoke with her at a family gathering and again reaffirmed that they can’t do this without IVF. I asked her to just love her son, there is no blame here, please try to let them deal with this as a couple.
Her words of “encouragement” are actually her inability to believe there could be a problem. Her inability to believe is causing her son shame and embarrassment. Just love him and listen, don’t tell him is wife is a drama queen.
Her well meaning meddling is causing them to pull away and they need each other more than ever. Her selfishness, self centered attitude has not swayed.
This attitude is hard for me to understand. As a mom my job is to love and support my child, dry her tears when sad, celebrate her successes and share her happiness. Always letting her feel the power of my love. Once upon a time I could kiss all the sadness away I wish I still had that power. Until then I continue to pray.

Sharing the view

We spent time with my daughter and her husband on Saturday just hanging out. When we left them her father said “they need to stop stressing about this” if she stops worrying so much they’ll get pregnant. It’s going to happen. As I told him he knew becoming stress free would not cure their infertility he became angry.
“I know I know” he said I just don’t understand why things are always so difficult for her. Why can’t she get pregnant like everyone else is?
I worry so much about her and I’m scared.
For the first time he admitted out loud that he knew there was an actual issue/reason not just stress but more importantly that he was scared.
He’s worried about her physical health (she has underlying medical issues that can put her and the baby at risk if untreated/undetected). He is also concerned about her emotionally and mentally. Can she continue to hear bad news and have set backs? We discussed how at times she is very fragile and other times she is a pillar of strength. Is the strength a facade? I don’t think so, she is one of the most remarkable young women I know (of course I am not biased) I am viewing her thru the eyes of a mother. But even the strongest foundation will give way if continually chipped away at.
He wants to know how can I help her? I wrapped my arms around this gentle giant and hugged and kissed him. I told him just be the dad she has always known strong and loving, I added a few “try not to” statements like “just listen to her” stop trying to fix something you can’t. I only just learned these myself in recent days.
We kissed goodnight and turned to go to sleep. I heard him breathing deep and even and knew he fell off to sleep. I then began my nightly prayers and when I got to my daughter and her infertility I sounded like I was begging. You know, like when you overhear a child in a store “please mommy please”. Please God let my daughter know the beauty of motherhood. Please let her hear good news at her upcoming doctor’s appt.
As I laid my head down I realized I was again crying not just crying but sobbing on this night. My pajama top and pillow were soaked from my tears, my eyes will be swollen in the morning and once again I will blame it on allergies.

A Mother’s Letter to her child

A mother’s letter to her child.
Please forgive me for … Thinking I understand what you are going through. Although I suffered miscarriages I did have children. I don’t know the pain of infertility. So I don’t understand your pain but I know the pain I am feeling because my child is hurting and I can’t make it better. I know you are trying to survive in a world surrounded by others having children. So I say I understand but what I mean to say is I understand about pain because your pain is mine. Although they are different they are both raw and deep.
Please forgive me for … Talking endlessly about your sibling’s child. I love my grandchild and want to share the joy with everyone. I know you love this child too and are happy for your sibling but the constant reminder of the ease of their pregnancy journey was very inconsiderate of me. I am sorry I didn’t put your feelings before mine it was not intentional.
Please forgive me for … talking when you needed listening. I thought offering advice would somehow comfort you, what you really needed was to just be heard, not judged, counseled, advised, or questioned. I promise to do better.
Please forgive me for…. Saying it’s going to all work out, I was never trying to discount your feelings and act like I thought this was no big deal. I was voicing my hopes and prayers out loud because I thought you needed a positive outlook; I didn’t realize I was shutting you out.
Please forgive me for …. talking about all the people I know that had a baby through IVF on their first attempt. I thought I was giving you hope I didn’t know it only reminded you that your journey is more difficult than theirs was.
Please forgive me for … causing you more pain because of the things I did or failed to do. I have loved you since I knew you were coming and I don’t know how to help you. I want to grab you and pull you onto my lap and hug and kiss your problems away as I did when you were a child. If only it was that easy!
The magic of a mother’s lap and love seems to fade as every year goes by in a child’s life. Eventually you have a grown daughter who knows the truth about life. It is not fair and at times it seems impossible but it is the one that God has given us and I am very thankful he has.

I promise to… continue to pray you know the joy of motherhood and ask God to give you “a mother’s lap”.

I promise to… always be by your side loving you, supporting you, and trying to make your day better.
I promise to… think before I speak so I don’t cause you any unnecessary pain.

So please forgive me…